The Diary of A Psychotic Asshole: Tom Fletcher
by OFFICIAL CHOPS WRITING
Summary: Ever thought what really goes on inside the mind of singer Tom Fletcher? Here is his diary with all of his perverted thoughts, rants and fantasies.
1. Chapter 1

THE DIARY OF A PSYCHOTIC ASSHOLE: TOM FLETCHER

MONDAY

Good Lord. Today I awoke to the view of Harry's naked ass. His ass was an inch away from my nose and I thought that I had fallen asleep in a jungle. "What the fuck is your problem you infected ball bag?" He laughs at me and says, "Time to get up. Strip clubs has free hot wings before one." All this just for hot wings? He backs his ass up a little closer and I snap. "Fine! I'm getting up. Just get your nasty asshole hair out of my face!" He pulls up his pants. "See you in the car."

....

Boy, am I glad that I went to the strip club with Harry, As soon as I walked in the door, I think 'I am going to get down tonight!' The broads in this club are hot and I have a strategy ready for deployment. I grab a beer and hang on the bar like a used rubber on some whore's floor. Harry is nowhere in sight and I feel relieved. I don't think that I can look at him in the way that I did before now that I have seen his ass and his hairy ball sac. He should really weed whack that shit before some unsuspecting whore gets strangled by it.

I'm getting shitfaced and these hoes are looking even better. I find myself a little hottie over by the bathrooms and invite her back to my place. We stumble in and break that piece of shit vase that Dougie loves. Not wanting to go all the way up the stairs to my bedroom, we start on the pinball machine and make our way to the living room couch.

Just as she grants me access, I hear the fridge door slam. I look up to see Dougie standing there in his leopard skin thong and slippers. He looks at me and drops the carton of milk. He twitches for a moment and then backs up. "Oh wow. That isn't the milk that I want to dip my cookie in." She moans and yells at me to focus. Dougie, apparently afraid of what he could see next is nowhere in sight. Now I can get back to-WHOA. Am I getting sober here? This bitch isn't as hot as I thought she was an hour ago...oof! She has more chest hair than I do.

My crotch is staring to burn and my eyes are starting to water. Thankfully she is satisfied and she pushes me off of her. I land on the floor and crawl under the pool table. I feel like my dick is going to fall off. Just as I stand up, she looks over at me. "I'm going to go. I've got a customer at four." I feel my dick shrivel up and my balls fall to the floor. She pulls her skirt up and walks out the door.

I run to the bathroom to check on my downstairs when I run into Harry. "I can't believe that you just got it on with Pregnant Patty." "Pregnant Patty?" He nods. "Yeah. Every time that she gets with someone she ends up pregnant." FUCK. The first time that I ever get some beaver is with a dirty slut. Just my luck.

…

I haven't heard a word from Patty so I guess I am off the hook. Thank Christ. I can't wipe my ass by myself, let alone raise a child. Danny glances over at what I just wrote. "Who wipes your ass then?" I smack him with my notebook. "Go fuck yourself." He smiles at me. "Already did." I get a mental image of him and his hand and I begin to feel ill. Just what I wanted to pollute my mind; him fucking himself. He is quite and he turns on the TV. I don't say anything and I believe that he has forgotten about our conversation. When there is a break in desperate housewives, he looks at me. I notice the stupid-ass look on his face. "What the hell do you want?" He just loves to aggravate me. "Speaking of fucking…I heard that you uh, finally got some last night." I just want to crawl under the sofa and die. Not caring that I am too shocked and disgusted to answer, Danny continues on rambling.

"I remember my first time…God it was magical!" Wanting to get back at him for bringing up last night's incident, I comment with, "Was your first time with Dougie?" Being the douche fuck that he is, he skims over that. "Nope. Dougie was my second. My first was with your mum." The show is back on and I have lost his attention. My mum! I have smoke billowing out of my asshole now.

"Don't get your scrotum in a knot. Relax! She was really good. You don't have to be embarrassed at all." What an arrogant fuck. How can he talk to me like that? I wouldn't dream of talking about his mum like that! To be honest, I do dream of his mum a lot. Last night I had a dream of her suckin' me off while feeding me apple pie between sessions.

"Your mum likes her men the way that she likes her liquor; under 21 years if age." I punch him in the chest. "What the fuck did you just say?!" Rage is building up inside of me. "It is a fact! It's on her myspace page under general interests. I push him in to the coffee table and get on my laptop.

Pissed off, I punch my mums name into the myspace search engine. Sure enough, her page pops up and I feel like vomiting. I glance at her general interests section. 'Men under 21 just like my liquor.' Danny is at my shoulder a second later. "See?" He asks with a smug tone. Goddamn him.

…

My mum came over for a visit tonight and I couldn't look her in the eye. Danny winked at her and blew her kisses all night long. Then Dougie, pretended to hump her when she bent over to pick up a pen. Why don't have any normal friends? All I want is one afternoon without incident like this. At least Harry wasn't here to make matters worse; he was probably at a circle-jerk convention.

-The ever so lovely, Tom Fletcher


	2. Chapter 2

THE DIARY OF A PSYCHOTIC ASSHOLE: TOM FLETCHER CHAPTER 2

Today so far it has been boring. All I've done so far is pull the lint off my scrotum. Danny comes into the room. "What are you doin' in here?" "Nothing. Do you have any suggestions?" Fuck me. I shouldn't have said that; now I'll never get rid of him. He'll be in here chewin' on my ball sac all afternoon.

Danny stayed and jawed for a few hours. He didn't seem to notice that I lost interest in what he was sayining and that I was fondling my balls. It was a good session, I must say. He got to vent and I got to fondle myself. We should do this more often. I was just about to come when Dougie walked into the room. "Quit flickin; your sac or I'll flick it for you." Danny looks up and stares at me. "Was what I was telling you good whacking material?" Dougie points and laughs at me. "Busted." I struggle to find words to reply to this. "It was okay." Danny and Dougie don't seem to buy it. "Give it up fudge dipper. We know that you like doin' guys in the ass. And we know all about your women." My face falls off and onto the floor. "You know I'm bi?" Dougie rolls his eyes looking like a white and short Stevie Wonder. "It is as obvious as your mum's mustace." Those two assholes have crossed the line now. "Ya know what? When I was makin' out with her, it was like kissin' a fireman." I push Danny out of his chair. "You cum stain! Don't you dare bring my mum into this!" Dougie cuts in, " And her mustace." I punch him in the head and he falls over. That should take care of him. Arrogant fucks in this house.

I get Danny into a headlock and before I can do anything else, he leans up and bites me. That fuckin' twat bit me! I fall back in pain and he escapes. I'll get his goofy ass later.

Dougie came home today and he told us that he had a surprise for us. He disapears for a moment and then returns with a bicycle. My eyes explode. "What are you going to do with that?" Harry asks him. He grins. "Ride it. Because I can't drive, I figured that it would be a good idea to get one. Plus, if Tom gets pissed at me I can jump on this bitch and peddle. Tom won't be able to catch me because he can't get his fat ass in gear." Harry laughs at this. "That's a fuckin' good one!" I clonk their heads together. "Will you get off it? I'm not fat! My mummy says I am a big boy." Wrong choice of words, it only fuels the fire. "Fuck you guys! I'm joing a gym." I stomp out the door. "Yeah! You better get your fat ass on the Stairmaster!" I hear Dougie call to me. "CACOON! CACOON!" I hear Harry say and pound on the floor. "You know what? You guys can just suck my fat dick!" That shuts them up and I feel really accomplished. Don't ask me why, 'cause I don't know.

I make it to the gym and I am huffin' and puffin'. "I've gotta quit smoking!" I wheeze. Danny is behind me. "And you should quit suckin' down those fuckin' ho-hos." I turn around. "What the fuck are you doing here?" I have almost caught my breath. "I'm everywhere fuck hole. I'm here to watch them put in that new Hooters." I'm baffled. What in the name of God is a fuck hole?! New Hooters? Hot damn! I'm gonna get me a part time job there. "What are you doing down here?" Danny's question pulls me out of my Hooters fantacy. "Me? I'm here to sign up for a gym membership." Danny has to hold onto the street lamp for support. "No. Seriously, what the fuck are you doing down here?" It pisses me off that he thinks I'm joking.

I don't answer him and he realises that I am not joking. "Sorry. I thought that you were fuckin' with me." I ignore him and walk into the gym. I hope that when he goes to that Hooters his boner kills him. Then again, he usually walks around with a boner so his brain is used to the lack of blood flow.

I walk into the gym and look around. I see some fat bitch on the Bowflex machine. She just got up. OOH! She's got pot holes in her ass! I get my membership and try to ignore the pig woman with the potholes. I'm on the Strairmaster and I have to be honest, it feels good. Dougie is standing behind me all of a sudden. "What are you doing here?" "Uh, Tom. I work out here." That catches me off gaurd and I miss a step. It's painful. "I think I tore my asshole muscle!" "Asshole muscle, huh?" I manage to get off the Stairmaster before I tear something else.

Dougie walks home with me. Before I can tell him to keep his hole shut about what happend earlier, he races through the door. "HEY GUYS! TOM PULLED HIS ASSHOLE MUSCLE AT THE GYM!" They laugh and point at me. Can't I do something without them turning it into a big goddamn joke?

-The Stairmaster, Tom Fletcher


	3. Chapter 3

THE DIARY OF A PSYCHOTIC ASSHOLE: TOM FLETCHER CHAPTER 3

I feel like being a nosey cunt today so I'm gonna go and see what Harry is doing. I sneak to his door and peer into the keyhole. What the fuck is he doin'?! He's putting his underwear in the bottom drawer! What the hell is that? Everyone knows that is a top drawer item. For some reason that stupidity is really pissing me off. I glance through the keyhole once more to see him folding my underwear. MINE!

I lose control and I kick his door down. "Douche stain! What are you doing with my boxers?!" Harry looks over. He eyeballs the splintered wood and backs up a few feet. "I didn't know these were yours." I snort at him and rip my boxers out of his hands. "Blow me!" I stomp over the remains of Harry's door leaving him looking disheveled. Fuck him! Stealing my fuckin' drawers! I have so much smoke comin' out of my ass, it looks as if my asshole is smoking a cigarette.

I walk out onto the back porch to cool down when I hear loud obnoxious snickering. I glance up to find a massive tree house. I glare at it for several minutes. Soon Danny's mug appears in the tree house window. "What?" I don't answer him. "Were we being too loud in our tree house? " Our tree house…? That could only mean one possible thing. Dougie is in there as well. Wanting to know what those two douche-fucks were up to, I scramble up the ladder and peer in. I'm sorry that I did this. Danny and Dougie are playing ping-pong in booty shorts and tank tops. What the fuck is going on here?!

My eyes start to water as soon as I see Danny's junk fall out of one of the short's leg holes. CHRSIT! I lose my balance and fall backwards. I land on one of Danny's stupid fuckin' garden gnomes. The tip of the gnome's hat is stuck up my ass and I don't mind telling you that it feels good.

Dougie peers out the window and sees me. "Yo! Danny! Tom is getting fucked in the ass by a gnome!" Danny is next to Dougie and they both are laughing like complete fuckin' assholes. I hate them both. Danny snaps a picture with his cell phone. I'd better not see that on MySpace!

I manage to pull the gnomes hat out of my ass. Goddamn it! It hurts now. It felt good when it was stuck up there. Maybe it is divine punishment for linking it up the ass; I dunno.

I went jogging the other night. Still sore from the gnome incident I was moving kind of funny. Some old guy sittin' on a bench waiting for the bus looks over at me. "Fuckin' queers." He breathes at me. Who the fuck is he calling a queer? I like it both ways. That's different.

I'm upstairs in my room thinking about what Dougie said to me the other day. 'Come and talk to me when you grow some balls?' Hmp. Holy fuck! What if Dougie wants me to grow some balls so that he can have them? What if he wants to put them in his trophy case? What a sick fuck! I am gonna go see what he is up to.

My eyes! My beautiful eyes. I guess that I am too curious for my own good. I walked in there and there was Dougie, on the bed (which is in plain sight from the door way, by the way) and he is waxing his carrot! He looks at me and winks. I slam the door and flee to my bedroom. I think that I am going to have a heart attack! Hold that thought Harry is calling me on my cell. Be back in a flash.

Harry's phone call brought me more dirt than I could have ever dreamed to have gotten. Well, I could look in his diary, but I don't want to waste my precious time peddling though his shit. I have better things to do with my time, like finish that two-way mirror in the girl's locker room. That is going to be a treat when that is done. Anyway! Back to the phone call…

"Danny was spotted in a fag bar and he was dancing with a guy he used to go to school. Ya know, the one that has the nipple rings and the red hair."

"What were they doing, Harry?"

"They were um, how do I put this? He was sucking on his neck like he would an ice cream cone. It was like watching you eat an ice cream cone outside of Dairy Queen."

I am too sickened to even comment at the remark that he made about me. What the fuck is this world coming to? I thought that he was gay, but this makes it worse! All the kinky sex he must have when I am out….and think of all the dildos he must have in his bedroom! That is just sick. I think that I need to go and throw up now..

On my way to the bathroom to throw up I hear splashing out in the backyard. Fuckin' Harry wanting to put in a pool. What a retard. I glance out the window to see Danny out drowning in the pool. I laugh for a second until I realize that he has a brick tied around his ankle. Fuck that! How dare someone try to kill him. That is my goal in life! I fly down the stairs and fish Danny out of the pool. By the time that I do this he is a light shade of blue. "OH SHIT! DANNY IS DEAD!! OH HELL! MAYBE HE IS NOT DEAD. I KNOW WHAT I WILL DO. I WILL GIVE HIM MOUTH TO MOUTH!" I press my lips against Danny's and I am about to blow air into his lungs when a hand comes and presses me closer to him. Danny's tongue is somehow in my mouth. I connect two and two. "HOLY SHIT! GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!" I push Danny away, and take a mouthful of pool water, gargle for a second and then I spit it out in the bushes. "What the fuck, Danny?" I ask him and all he can do is smile at me. I feel my inner rage building up. He better have a good excuse or I am going to knock his fuckin' teeth out. Danny can sense my anger and he blushes. "Don't be angry Tom, please?" I lose my temper and I shove him to the ground. "You sick piece of shit!" I yell in his face; this is a mistake as, Danny leans up and kisses me. I fall backwards and vomit into the bushes. Danny gets up and saunters away like nothing happened.

What a sick little bastard. He fakes a suicide just so he can kiss me. That cock juggler is creative, I'll give him that much. And that is all that I am going to give him!

-the life guard on duty, Tom Fletcher


	4. Chapter 4

THE DIARY OF A PSYCHOTIC ASSHOLE: TOM FLETCHER CHAPTER 4

THURSDAY

That little cocksucker I'm gonna kill him! Dougie, who else? I'm tired of his shit. That's all that I ever get from him. I'm serious; It's like being on a bullshit diet. I'm gonna teach that little douche bag a lesson. He's gonna be sorry that he ever fucked with me, Tom Fletcher.

I nearly blew my asshole out the other day I got so goddamn mad at him and Danny. Everything about both of them piss me right the fuck off. I'll start off with the things that I hate about Danny. First on my list has to be that fuckin' accent of his! It sounds as if he's got some guy's scrotum behind his tonsils. It's so fuckin' aggravating. I wonder how anyone can put up with that shit for more than two minutes. I wonder if he does that on purpose just to piss me off. He must because he never shuts his fuckin' gob. Blood hell! Almost every minute of every day he's got his scrotum accent in full gear. Half the time I don't know what the fuck he's talking about. I just nod and occasionally toss in "huh?" and "Oh really?" He doesn't seem to notice that I'm not listening to a fuckin' thing he's saying. He'd talk to his fuckin' ball sac if he could lean down that far. Actually, I think he can. I'm not here to talk about Danny being able to bend like Sally, the rag doll, so on to the next thing about him that pisses me off.

Then there are those goddamn freckles of his! They are all over the place! He looks like Opie from the Little Rascals! And then he's got the balls to think that he's Joe Hot Shit. I can't stand that. That is fuckin' arrogance for ya! While I am on the subject of arrogance, I think that I should move onto Dougie.

Dougie-that fuck lick! Goddamn him to hell. He's the reason that I have high blood pressure! I'm only 23 years old and I am already on 4 different high blood pressure medicine. You look into my medicine chest and it looks like a fuckin' pharmacy. Him and his fuckin' antics! The other day I nearly had a fuckin' aneurism over the shit he pulled. Harry had to run over with a beer to revive me. You wanna know what he did? He ran into the house and yelled that a dog had taken a shit in my prize opium plants.

While I am telling tells of how his existence has destroyed my health,I have another thing that I would like to share. Yesterday he would not shut the fuck up! He went on and on about how his foreskin looks like George Clooney. Oh yeah, then there was this other time that he pushed me to my absolute limits; I'm serious. I was either gonna kill him or myself. he had gotten his pubic hair braided and he wouldn't shut the fuck up about how good it looks. I was good strangle him when this ingenious idea popped into my head. You know what I did? I went into the kitchen and baked a batch of chocolate chip cookies. Then I put Rufies in half of them. I put those cookies on a plate for him and then untainted cookies on a plate for myself. He was yelling about cookies and shit like that, which made me loose my concentration on which plate was his. I gave him a plate and watched him wolf down the cookies. He went back to chattering away as soon as he finished his cookies.

I was like what the fuck?! I thought that that loud mouth asshole was supposed to go to sleep! Then you know what happened? I fell asleep! So in case you didn't get it, I ate the wrong cookies. Isn't that great? Well, on the bright side I didn't have to hear his bullshit, as I was unconscious.

....

I think that I forgot to mention that I gave up on going to the gym. That last time scarred me for life. I think I'll just run around in the garden; that way no one gets to see me all sweaty and gross. I sweat a lot. Harry always has to be a smart-ass about it too. The other day I was sweating so much that he said, "Hey, my cactus could use a little water. Could you stand a little more to your left so that you can drip on it?" I flipped his beach chair into the pool. Fuck him! I don't have time for that kind of shit. I expect this kind of shit from Dougie, not from Harry.

Speaking of Dougie, I have no idea where that little fuck is. It's quite, I don't even think that he's home. Wait, shit just crashed out in the shed. It's either him or Danny in there making a mess. I peek into the window to see Danny in there with his head caught in a box. He's runnin' around in there trying to get it off. The whole thing is fuckin' hilarious! Serves him right. Oh sweet Christ in Heaven! He just tripped over the hose in there! HAHAHAHA!!! He's up and on the move again. I think that he's got it half off. He's moving to the door, I wonder if he-Nope. He just ran head first into the door. I'm not concerned about brain damage; he doesn't have that much brain to damage. I can't take any more of this. If I keep laughing like this my kidneys are going to explode. I open the door to find him sprawled out on the floor.

"Hey Danny, need a hand?" He nods his boxed head. I have to fight the urge to snicker at it. "Yeah, Tom. That would be great." I move over to box head and try to yank it off. It wont come off. "Jesus! I think your head swelled up Danny! I can't get the flaming thing off! Oh, I know! Maybe you could just chew your way out of it!" Even though he can't see, Danny manages to knock me through a loop. "I'll just get Harry." Danny marches off to find Harry. Fuck them both. I'm going to the pictures. Maybe there will be a nice X-Rated musical playing.

-The Film Critic, Tom Fletcher


End file.
